good cheer this happy new year?

Letting the cables sleep- Bush
Clear skies with a stuffed, snivelly nose

Happy New Year, Auld Lang Syne and all that festive jazz.

2006 was really quite something of a year, both good and bad in equal measure, both heartbreaking and triumphant in quite the same wrenching, wretched way. im glad it's over, but with that finality and closure, i witness the death of a very crucial phase of my life. it's not a phase i will greatly miss, but it is one that i know will -whether known or unbeknownst- creep into my existence every once in a while, for a long time to come.

well, i dont quite remember how 2006 began. i do remember that shuch and i crossed the bridge from 2005 to 6 at fullerton hotel, both of us flush with the passion and innocence of new, smoldering love and affection.

the rest of those early months are -for the most part- a blur.. i returned to india and pursued a life of confusion. the drugs were long-gone but only a recent memory that still haunted and stuck, the friends were as empty as their eyes betrayed them to be, the home that was like hell on earth- a place i loathed and winced from, where i had to hide my every emotion and vice, sobbing on the floor in the bathroom and smoking at 4am crouched low on the balcony.

a car crash, a wonderful trip back to singapore, several school commitments and countless wild parties later, it was may and my birthday passed with tears and disappointment. the only things that sustained me those last couple months in india was the knowledge that i had someone who loved me and was waiting for me at home, and the daily drives i took with my mom or adi which allowed me a snatch of escape amidst the dusty streets, the burly lorries and the wandering cows.

the As were quite something. cups and cups of espresso just before the exams, just to stave away the droopy eyes and blank brain that came with a lack of sleep and too much information. i knew i could achieve and that i had to, but at times, i wondered if my self-confidence in my intellectual abilities was really just a marred facade of extreme complacency. over a month long and thoroughly exhausting, but before i could say 'napoleon', the whole rigamaroll was over. 12 years of education finished with the swirl of a pen.

i was actually sad when i left. sad that i had so little to take with me after the two dreary years. i had won countless awards, had really shone like i never had in school and in school-related activities, had been involved in everything i was capable of, had made a large number of friends, had really achieved anything and everything i had aimed for when i left singapore for that gargantuan, strange land. but, on that last day, it all came down to naught. the achievements, the involvements -for me, they were just ways to pass the long hours, ways to attain some sort of false fulfillment. i hadn't made any lasting, deep-rooted relationships with anyone in school and the sense that i had escaped singapore for nothing throttled me at the very root of my person.

back to singapore. what a rush of feeling. shuch, the scavengers, friends and family who matter, who love, who care. roti prata and mrt, taka and starbucks. you don't know how much these little details mean till you're devoid of them. i must have eaten prata every day for a month after i returned. mm.

jahanavi visits and the last vestige of any (misplaced) hope of British School friendships die with my death of affection for her. a couple months on, our friendship was officially over -very primary school-style- and for the first time since my childhood days, i had properly lost a friend.

hospitalised for UTI. was on the drip for 5 days. it was wretched. realised that i was a true-blue nicotine addict and a claustrophobe when it comes to the stark white walls of the hospital.

4 As for A levels and a job opportunity as a journalist (my life-long dream) at The New Paper. things were looking up. got into columbia university and was offered $44,000 in financial aid. things were really looking up.

amidst all this was mambo and ebay/yahoo!auctions shopping, spending long days and nights with my love, eating crackers and tomato at jess', catching up with old friends and remembering old times. it's really been a good 6 months.

but despite all that, at one level, i've lost my zest, my drive for life. my love and passion for the small things. the joy that makes every day a blast and one worth remembering. i don't know how it slipped away but it has and i want it back. next year. this year. i will get it back.

2006 ended with me being squashed on all sides and being sprayed by that infuriating foam. i was grumbling secretly in my head and wishing my toes weren't so swollen beneath the straps of the infuriatingly high high-heels. i was infuriated and i must have been quite infuriating for shuch, who was attempting to have a good time. but that was last year. last year, it was possible to be angry and irritated and narrow-minded. this year, i want to party, to love, to learn, to grow. it's all about self-discovery, baby.

bring it.