overcast skies, persistent drizzle and a persistent headcold.
whilst scanning the web for photos of kate, who i adore ( i know it's sad having a celebrity fascination/obsession etc. but she's just divine. she's beautiful -okay, fine she's just so H.A.W.T- and there's something amiss about her. a darkness about her. her addictions, her sad eyes, her accent that is incongruous with her pretty face. her marriage to my other love, pete. she's my epitome of dark beauty, haunted beauty, real beauty. ahh. the vicarious living of an 'obsessed' fan. hur.), i found this gorgeous shot and had to reveal it to the world.
anyway. mambo last night was mambo last night. same ol' things, really. a flaming (that fucking burns burns burns) and some glugs of beer later, it was of to the dancefloor to some swashbuckling, groovy tunes (hur. let's speak in the retro way out of reverence for mambo, eh?) like love in the first degree, that thing you do, leave a light on for me etc., and some eyebrow-raising ones -like the very strange addition of 'if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands'. as jess rightly put it, the night seemed to be taking an irreparable turn for the worse at that point. but it was fun, as always, to ogle at the mambo-ers on the podium and try -oftentimes ending in futile defeat- to copy the moves with the same grace and poise. even though i probably look like a flailing chimpanzee on the dancefloor, it's really a different experience when the music plays and you lose yourself in it. it's stupid at one level and childish at another, but it's liberating i tell you. the cheesiness of it all.
but today, upon awaking (groggy, panda-eyed and with hair like a mass of tangled weeds), i felt somehow unhinged. strange, it was. it was just something about the whole experience last night (an experience i've relived time and time again but i just haven't seemed to get used to it). the whole social construct. the partying, the flirting, the fishing for compliments. the judgement, the silent criticism, the constant need to prove one's worth/popularity/level of accomplishment or beauty or personality. it leaves me feeling uncomfortable and edgy. a sort of upheaval of the soul, a drifting away from personal beliefs and self-confidence and sense of self-worth. a lot of things suffer and fade when you allow your life to be scrutinised under society's microscope. i don't think it can be avoided or ignored. and i think that for most people, there's always a phase -sometimes short, sometimes lasting a lifetime- when all this happens. for me, it was the indian experience. the social ladder climbing, the caring of what other people thought and felt, the maintainance of a certain facade at all times and in all settings. it was exhausting and at the time, seemingly fulfilling. but when i left, i found that i had taken away nothing from the experience. nothing worth knowing except the knowledge that i would avoid, with all my heart, that road again.
but the road is always near. it's always just a left turn or a right turn away. a step, a trip, a fall. it's just as far away as you think it is. it's just as far away from you as your own shadow. i'm not sure how i feel about the whole thing and to be honest, i don't think ill understand what i'm saying when i re-read what ive written. but in my heart, i know. but i don't know what to do.
why do we care when actually don't care at all?
or is that the misconception that needs to be rectified?
..what's wrong with this picture?
p.s. by the way, some photos are in! courtesy of jess/aude/vick:
it all started when jess and i met for dinner:
then, the real shit began:
lots of five-ten
lots of cigarettes
and girl shtuff
oh and of course, the inevitable.. ugly faces:
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