wait. there is a fire.

[anna molly. incubus]

a cloud hangs over,
it's a city by the sea,
i watch the ships pass and wonder if she might be
out there and sober as a well for loneliness
please do persist
it's time we met and made a mess.
wait.
there is a light
there is a fire
defragment dreams the attic
fate or something better
i couldn't care less
just stay with me a while.

im content and comfortable in the life ive chosen. i no longer feel the need to justify or explain where ive been, what im doing or what i intend to do. i no longer have the insatiable desire to impress or find validation in the words, actions or judgements of others. i am happy in my routine, in the presumably mundane existence that is my life, in the somewhat carefree/detached emotional state that im in.

i enjoy my work for the most part and i find fulfillment in my past achievements (both academic and otherwise) and the achievements i know are lying ahead. i am excited about my upcoming time in a university and a city and a country that i know will challenge and develop me. i love just sitting with shuch watching tv or reading books while he plays with his psp (i.e. the 'infernal machine'); i love just knowing that he's there, around, with me... both of us enmeshed in a love that's deep and raw and ever-changing but ever-firm; i love lounging in bed for hours at a time, doing nothing in particular but just enjoying times of rest and quiet; i love meeting with my friends on a somewhat regular basis: ping, to chat about life and love and gossip and emotional well-being; jess, to shop like headless maniacs, to eat like paupers and to joke about the stupidest things on the planet; and the once-in-a-while meetings with raj and the guys, anna, sheenum and charlotte, and of course, the 'mambo' and/or poker group like aude, cliff, bryan, jianhui, chuin etc.. for the mindless chatter and 'wild' nights out.

i love having my 'downtime'. the time to online-shop for no reason, the time to exercise like a crazy person, the time to take korean lessons, the time to have coffee at starbucks by myself, the time to take unreasonably long and unhealthily piping-hot showers, the time to watch (and adore) american idol, among others.

i love being able to appreciate my family. to really, for the first time in my life, realise that i l o v e them. not out of obligation or filial piety, but out of true blue affection. they are my companions, my friends, my family- i enjoy (well, for the most part) their company and i revel in the unconditional, forgiving, gentle love they offer me. i am blessed and i love having the time and chance to recognise that... and to do something about it.

i feel that for once in my life, im not trying to prove anything, im not necessarily trying to get anywhere -be it the social, acadmeic or professional ladder, im not trying to anything more than i am already.

and yet.
despite my happiness, despite my contentment, despite my self-assurance, there's something amiss. and that something emerges at the most random of times. times when i feel purposeless, when i wonder about my position in my life, when i wonder about death and i wonder about transition, change and metamophism. i can't pinpoint what that feeling (?) is. i can't tell you where it stems from or why it's there. but it rears its ugly head every now and then and it's extremely disconcerting.

sometimes i think it's cos of God. not God causing this discomfort but it's the lack of spiritual development that's triggering all this.. almost like -im becoming too 'worldly'/too stagnant spiritually. and that would be a fact. i know what i believe but it's like i turn to a higher power when my own power runs dry, when i am helpless and emotionally and physically empty. and maybe you can't do that. actually i know you can't do that. i know that there's only so much fulfillment that you derive from this life and it'll never be quite enough . yet we feel like it is.

i also think it might be something else. but again, i don't know what it is. i can only speculate: fear of change, fear of failure, fear of disillusionment.. or maybe it's something much worse: maybe im lulling myself into a false sense of security.. or maybe my comfort doesn't really exist or perhaps, can't exist?

i don't know exactly.
but ill take it all with a pinch of salt.
ill enjoy what i have, when i can. and deal with the rest in a Tao-ist manner.
everything is
and everything isn't.

(i'll crawl to your name
i'll bend to the earth.)