rewind.

fat-bottomed girls -queen
rain-soaked clouds and dreary skies, with a dash of sickly-ness & boredom

so. im at office, bored out of my wits .. and im fiddling with my spanking new, shiny black, steamy looking compaq notebook. i've gone on an absolute (wireless) downloading rampage and i've already attained a whopping 19 full albums (including classics like velvet underground's self-entitled album, joy division's substance and kinks' ultimate collection, "evergreen favorites" like the beatles' sgt. pepper album, queen's greatest hits and (shhhh..) blink 182's take off your pants and jacket, new indie/alternrock superstars like bloc party's a weekend in the city, the libertines' self-titled LP, hot chip's the warning and the BRILLIANT album by the streets -the hardest way to make an easy living)... in two afternoons!

that's what i call efficiency.

:)

so in my hazy downloading stupor, i started thinking about those songs.

those songs that get stuck in your head for days on end, those songs that boast being the 'most-played' on your iPod/iTunes, those songs that are both wonderfully good and horribly bad and either way, you can't get enough of. at least for a time.

well, ive had quite a few of those songs in recent years and since they're all so important to me and they all mark a point in my life, i thought id muse about them for a while.

...my 'those songs' (in no particular order)
1) joy division's 'love will tear us apart'
a truly beeeautiful song that was stuck in my head for months and months. i must admit i'm still horribly infatuated with that song. the semi-techie, alterno rhythm and sound, the haunting lyrics and the jolting history of the band itself. what a sort.
2) morrissey's 'there's a light that never goes out'
again, an amazing amazing song. a real classic. with a catchy tune and clever lyrics that make you smile wickedly every time.
3) kinks' 'rosie wont you please come home'
after a while, this song gets a bit old.. but it's a real gem, nonetheless. his lilting voice is just.. gorgeous.
4) hot hot heat's 'talk to me, dance with me'
oh my. when this song first came out, i was absolutely bonkers about it. i used to dance to it, sleep to it, drive to it. it was THE song for ages. infectious and bouncy, this is the perfect song for anyone on speed. the bees knees. but not for the faint-hearted.
5) panic at the disco's 'i write sins, not tragedies'
(see number 4) i love this song and despite the fact that i overplayed it, friends overplayed it, MTV overplayed it and radio overplayed it, ill still sing along happily to it everytime.
6) the killers' 'mr brightside'
a modern day classic. few can say they dislike this song and why should they? definitely a soon-to-be karaoke mainstay.
7) queen's 'killer queen'
i used to replay the song over and over again just to hear the lines: "she keeps moet and chandon in her pretty cabinet. let them eat cake, she said, just like marie antoinette." i mean, how cool is that.
8) sum 41's 'fat lip', eminem's 'slim shady', blink 182's 'dammit', mario's 'let me love you', phantom of the opera's 'phantom of the opera', britney spears' 'slave 4 u', and several several other embarrassing/uncool favorites by boybands, chicks who can't sing, etc.
well. we all have our dirty little secrets.
9) guns and roses' don't you cry
my gawd. what a sobby song. but it's brilliant and it's accompanied me through many tearful nights and shower singing sessions.
(CONTINUED)
10) nickelbacks' how you remind me
goodness. how could i possibly forget. it was sec 3 or 4, we were walking to bio class and jess, ping and i were falling over ourselves singing that bloody song at the top of our lungs while puifun the prefect gave us ghastly looks. its a bloody catchy song and i always sing it at karaoke.
11) coldplay's yellow
crikes. definitely one of the 'songs of the century'. any song that wails 'for you i'd bleed myself dry' is a song worth remembering.
12) kaiser chief's i predict a riot
this song will always remind me of india, for some funny reason. a raucous, hella-good-time song. i love it. WATCHING THE PEOPLE GET LAAAARRY man.

wait. there is a fire.

[anna molly. incubus]

a cloud hangs over,
it's a city by the sea,
i watch the ships pass and wonder if she might be
out there and sober as a well for loneliness
please do persist
it's time we met and made a mess.
wait.
there is a light
there is a fire
defragment dreams the attic
fate or something better
i couldn't care less
just stay with me a while.

im content and comfortable in the life ive chosen. i no longer feel the need to justify or explain where ive been, what im doing or what i intend to do. i no longer have the insatiable desire to impress or find validation in the words, actions or judgements of others. i am happy in my routine, in the presumably mundane existence that is my life, in the somewhat carefree/detached emotional state that im in.

i enjoy my work for the most part and i find fulfillment in my past achievements (both academic and otherwise) and the achievements i know are lying ahead. i am excited about my upcoming time in a university and a city and a country that i know will challenge and develop me. i love just sitting with shuch watching tv or reading books while he plays with his psp (i.e. the 'infernal machine'); i love just knowing that he's there, around, with me... both of us enmeshed in a love that's deep and raw and ever-changing but ever-firm; i love lounging in bed for hours at a time, doing nothing in particular but just enjoying times of rest and quiet; i love meeting with my friends on a somewhat regular basis: ping, to chat about life and love and gossip and emotional well-being; jess, to shop like headless maniacs, to eat like paupers and to joke about the stupidest things on the planet; and the once-in-a-while meetings with raj and the guys, anna, sheenum and charlotte, and of course, the 'mambo' and/or poker group like aude, cliff, bryan, jianhui, chuin etc.. for the mindless chatter and 'wild' nights out.

i love having my 'downtime'. the time to online-shop for no reason, the time to exercise like a crazy person, the time to take korean lessons, the time to have coffee at starbucks by myself, the time to take unreasonably long and unhealthily piping-hot showers, the time to watch (and adore) american idol, among others.

i love being able to appreciate my family. to really, for the first time in my life, realise that i l o v e them. not out of obligation or filial piety, but out of true blue affection. they are my companions, my friends, my family- i enjoy (well, for the most part) their company and i revel in the unconditional, forgiving, gentle love they offer me. i am blessed and i love having the time and chance to recognise that... and to do something about it.

i feel that for once in my life, im not trying to prove anything, im not necessarily trying to get anywhere -be it the social, acadmeic or professional ladder, im not trying to anything more than i am already.

and yet.
despite my happiness, despite my contentment, despite my self-assurance, there's something amiss. and that something emerges at the most random of times. times when i feel purposeless, when i wonder about my position in my life, when i wonder about death and i wonder about transition, change and metamophism. i can't pinpoint what that feeling (?) is. i can't tell you where it stems from or why it's there. but it rears its ugly head every now and then and it's extremely disconcerting.

sometimes i think it's cos of God. not God causing this discomfort but it's the lack of spiritual development that's triggering all this.. almost like -im becoming too 'worldly'/too stagnant spiritually. and that would be a fact. i know what i believe but it's like i turn to a higher power when my own power runs dry, when i am helpless and emotionally and physically empty. and maybe you can't do that. actually i know you can't do that. i know that there's only so much fulfillment that you derive from this life and it'll never be quite enough . yet we feel like it is.

i also think it might be something else. but again, i don't know what it is. i can only speculate: fear of change, fear of failure, fear of disillusionment.. or maybe it's something much worse: maybe im lulling myself into a false sense of security.. or maybe my comfort doesn't really exist or perhaps, can't exist?

i don't know exactly.
but ill take it all with a pinch of salt.
ill enjoy what i have, when i can. and deal with the rest in a Tao-ist manner.
everything is
and everything isn't.

(i'll crawl to your name
i'll bend to the earth.)