forbidden snowflake.

proper education- pink floyd a la traance.
[temperamental weather with a toothache and monday blues]

i was reading ping's blog and in one post, i was named as a 'blogspotter'. it stumped me for a while, until it finally dawned on me that.. well, i have a blog! hur. as ping and belle rightly prophesied, i am not a loyal blogger and as it's evident, it's been a while.

well i can't say that life has been uneventful but there's little to say. the day of hallmark love and the days of lo-hei, family visits and packets of money have passed, lots of movies have been watched, a leg muscle has been pulled and a wisdom tooth is emerging (which i think explains the toothache/gumache i have at the moment) . i've had really nice days catching up with ping and raj and jess and belle, and really warm fuzzy days of lounging with shuch, and really comfortable days of hanging around with my family members.

work has been good- i just got my set of namecards today and it's occurred to me what a big task i have at hand. building a magazine from scratch (and all the work, organisation and effort that underlies it), on top of the freelance stuff ive been doing for sph, has been a tougher journey than i had anticipated. but it's been exciting. everyday, new challenges are tossed my way . and it's been a real learning curve of growth and plenty of mistakes.

i've watched some really stellar movies- like babel, and apocalypto, and what's eating gilbert grape, and pan's labyrinth.. and some entertaining movies- like death rider, and rocky balboa, and a scanner darkly. i've been enjoying some really great bodycombat classes -with the trance-y music and the oomphs and ughs and sweaty arms and forehead. i really feel more confident, more empowered, stronger.

in the midst of all the good, there's been some bad. not bad necessarily, but lots of emo feelings and miserable thoughts. i've been plagued by long dreams of twisting plots and strange people and ideas. and i've been troubled with thoughts of leaving behind my family, of regret, of loss and of a lack of purpose. sometimes i think my thoughts and musings are unfounded, but then again there are many times when i can't shake the feeling that something is amiss.

ive always told myself that i will live without regret. and i have, for the most part.

but i feel that i now have a regret that i can't shake, that i can't ignore. and it's a regret that i can't reconcile, that i can't face without crumbling into a heap of tears. it's my grandpa. my wonderful grandpa. who i know ive been speaking of a lot but i can't help it- there just hasn't been any closure. i miss him. especially during the holidays. and there are just so many things i wish i had said to him, so many things i wish i had showed him, so many things i wish he could have witnessed. and it's the regret that i didn't do enough, say enough, give enough, that drives me mad.

im grateful, so grateful, for shuch though- my heart and my strength. he keeps me solid and unwavering, due to his solidity and composure. and i know ill be just fine. just fine.

anyways the office is freezing and im bloody bored and i can't wait to just get out and do something else.

something else.

musings and busy-ness.

well this week has been l o n g.
with my new exercise get-fit regime, korean class and plentiful workload, ive been stretched in directions that i didn't know exist. this week, shuch's grandaunt passed away so we've been spending a lot of time at the wake and on top of that, shuchie injured his collarbone while playing rugby so we've even made trips to the hospital.
quite an eventful week if anything.
and. ive lost 3lbs.
quite a feat!

despite the packed schedule, however, ive been enjoying myself quite immensely. ive settled into a comfortable -albeit ever-changing- 'routine', exercise in the mornings, work in the afternoons, shuch in the evenings, korean class on thursdays and jess on wednesdays. and other things in between. i like work. amazing, yes i know. but i feel fulfilled, it's really one of the biggest accomplishments of my life i think- bringing an entire magazine together. it is extremely gratifying.

going off tangent a bit, i miss grandpa a lot. being at a wake almost everyday this week has triggered a memory that lays dormant in my heart. i miss him, still can't believe his gone. i can still remember the feel of his thick, rough fingers, his toothy, cheeky grin, his round, tough belly and his delicious, fat pancakes. he's with me everyday, everywhere i go. but he's so far away, i miss his eyes, his shouts, his hugs.

ul ji ma-ra ul geen weh oo rar. (don't cry, why are you crying?) -one of grandpa's favorite karaoke hits.

oh, what became of the likely lads.

music when the lights go out- the libertines
erratic, crazy rain/drizzle/downpour/clear skies with grumpiness aplenty.

well, it's been a sick, sick, sick kinda week. i've been ensconced in bed for the better part of the last few days, nursing a terrible, wracking cough, a sniffly nose and a throbbing head. but alas, that's part of the monsoon ain't it? how could you go thru it without a flu? that'd just be weird.

it hasn't been a complete loss however. i have rediscovered the joy of sleep and watching tv. it's brilliant- couch-potato-dom suits me.

my only really 'busy' day this week was wednesday. met jess and her australian cousin. poor bloke, we dragged him around town while we shopped and gabbed . but it sure was nice to get out of the house ! i did do a couple of worthwhile things (other than sitting at starbacks and squealing when pigeons approached).. i signed up for my california fitness gym membership! my first day is monday when i head down at... (shudder) 9.30am.. for my personal training session! it was quite daunting.. the whole experience.. the funny machines, the frighteningly large biceps and the copious amounts of sweat.. not the mention the wake-up call that i am really really really very unfit ! but it's good, walked outta there feeling a tad excited and a smidge pumped !
after that, i signed up for my korean classes. whee. starts on thursday. not toooo thrilled to be honest, but im sure it'll be good for me .

yawn. i start work with mark on monday. yawn. 4 times a week, noon-6pm. can't be too bad i reckon but im so sick and tired of work and this week of extreme decadence has just been too lovely. yawn. anyways the first edition of crave is finally out. good stuff. i hope it's received well, it'd be neat to see this project grow.

anyways, i am currently swooning (as usual) over my lovely pete doherty. i must say, he is so fine. (as is his steamy wife.. lucky bastards, the both of 'em).

for musical enlightenment and true swoonworthy moments, go to: http://youtube.com/watch?v=un_OAD8Y7FQ

inconceivable.

you're just too good to be true -mambo style
downpour with a dash of melancholy

this weekend has been a slow, morose one. ive been feeling so poorly and shuch has been in the deepest doldrums. so all in all it's been a silent, sick and stupor-filled 3 days. ah well. at least the weather seems to be commisserating.

i must say though that sleep is really so very delicious and gratifying. i must have slept a grand total of 30 hours over the past couple of days and it's been terrific. im lolling around like a slug now -the aftermath of lethargy- but it was worth it i think.

anyways. shuch has finally got his com up and running and the photos of yesteryear have finally surfaced from his long-abandoned camera. here's a recap of the past year in a nutshell eh?

when the romance first began. hanyang's birthday bash at shuch's place:

an unlikely pairing (can't remember where this was):

pinky and i both looking raaather ravishing:
k well some things don't change (hur. although ping looks pretty good here, i look.. well, there's much to be desired):
now this is the new life. the yesterdays:
our goodbye to scotts. a representation of IJ-life and scavengerdom gone forever: goodbye 2006 (new years' eve night 2006):
and our newfound 'mature' passion to bring in our 20th year, chess (which shuch keeps beating me at. tch):

way back then.

ok. i know this is going to sound painfully daft but i only JUST figured out how to work out the whole tagged on facebook thing. anyways. i was looking thru the photos and i found this:

alina, ex-classmate of mine from the british school and brilliant art student, tagged me... and i wondered why.. and i looked. it's ME! shocking. i'm the subject for one of her college art pieces. isn't that just so odd... it looks really cool though eh? very fancy. hurhur.

i'm in another one!:

i'm in the stupid one with my tongue sticking out, alina's the one at the end, in front of the pink facade.

anyway it got me thinking.. india seems ages away now....:

(basketball team, that's me on the extreme left, second row)

and the person i was seems like a distant memory:

byebye sph.

lights -scissor sisters
overcast and stormy with a cough and poofy eyes

it's 6pm and im here at my desk, suddenly clean of the piles of papers and books that once adorned it. 5 months and 8 days have passed and now it's time to leave. SPH has been good to me.. it's provided me with opportunities both vast and great, and has molded me into a better, more responsible, more knowledgeable person.

i just went to see 'big boss' ivan. he's not a dominating man in appearance but he exudes this firm calm that intimidates and demands respect. i've never spoken to him before. i didn't even know where his office was! but he invited me for a chat, so i went. we talked about all sorts of random things, i think i was slightly nervous or something because i just kept rambling and going completely off-tangent time and again. but he said more than once that i have talent, that i've been exceptional, that ive left my mark and ive contributed much to the paper. it was really quite something hearing all this from the big man himself. he told me that i have an instinct for writing that will get me far. after about a half hour, he shook my hand and wished me the best. before leaving tho, he said this:

"trust your instinct. it's underrated, but it's the most powerful tool you have."

beware of earthquakes.

ashtray girl- placebo
overcast skies, persistent drizzle and a persistent headcold.




whilst scanning the web for photos of kate, who i adore ( i know it's sad having a celebrity fascination/obsession etc. but she's just divine. she's beautiful -okay, fine she's just so H.A.W.T- and there's something amiss about her. a darkness about her. her addictions, her sad eyes, her accent that is incongruous with her pretty face. her marriage to my other love, pete. she's my epitome of dark beauty, haunted beauty, real beauty. ahh. the vicarious living of an 'obsessed' fan. hur.), i found this gorgeous shot and had to reveal it to the world.

anyway. mambo last night was mambo last night. same ol' things, really. a flaming (that fucking burns burns burns) and some glugs of beer later, it was of to the dancefloor to some swashbuckling, groovy tunes (hur. let's speak in the retro way out of reverence for mambo, eh?) like love in the first degree, that thing you do, leave a light on for me etc., and some eyebrow-raising ones -like the very strange addition of 'if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands'. as jess rightly put it, the night seemed to be taking an irreparable turn for the worse at that point. but it was fun, as always, to ogle at the mambo-ers on the podium and try -oftentimes ending in futile defeat- to copy the moves with the same grace and poise. even though i probably look like a flailing chimpanzee on the dancefloor, it's really a different experience when the music plays and you lose yourself in it. it's stupid at one level and childish at another, but it's liberating i tell you. the cheesiness of it all.

but today, upon awaking (groggy, panda-eyed and with hair like a mass of tangled weeds), i felt somehow unhinged. strange, it was. it was just something about the whole experience last night (an experience i've relived time and time again but i just haven't seemed to get used to it). the whole social construct. the partying, the flirting, the fishing for compliments. the judgement, the silent criticism, the constant need to prove one's worth/popularity/level of accomplishment or beauty or personality. it leaves me feeling uncomfortable and edgy. a sort of upheaval of the soul, a drifting away from personal beliefs and self-confidence and sense of self-worth. a lot of things suffer and fade when you allow your life to be scrutinised under society's microscope. i don't think it can be avoided or ignored. and i think that for most people, there's always a phase -sometimes short, sometimes lasting a lifetime- when all this happens. for me, it was the indian experience. the social ladder climbing, the caring of what other people thought and felt, the maintainance of a certain facade at all times and in all settings. it was exhausting and at the time, seemingly fulfilling. but when i left, i found that i had taken away nothing from the experience. nothing worth knowing except the knowledge that i would avoid, with all my heart, that road again.

but the road is always near. it's always just a left turn or a right turn away. a step, a trip, a fall. it's just as far away as you think it is. it's just as far away from you as your own shadow. i'm not sure how i feel about the whole thing and to be honest, i don't think ill understand what i'm saying when i re-read what ive written. but in my heart, i know. but i don't know what to do.

why do we care when actually don't care at all?

or is that the misconception that needs to be rectified?

..what's wrong with this picture?

p.s. by the way, some photos are in! courtesy of jess/aude/vick:

it all started when jess and i met for dinner:

then, the real shit began:
lots of five-ten

lots of cigarettes

and girl shtuff
oh and of course, the inevitable.. ugly faces: