mare nostrum.

make me bad/in between days (the cure + korn)
claps on thunder set against a gunmetal grey sky & a spoonful of tired eyes.

people often ask me 'are you excited to go to columbia?'; alternatively, they might state, as a matter of fact, "oh you must be sooo excited to go to columbia'.

and despite the good intentions behind these queries/statements, i hate it. i hate hearing the words and i hate having to answer.

because i may -and i always do- respond with a 'oh yes of course, im thrilled/filled with anticipation/overjoyed etc. etc.', but this is a thinly-veiled facade.

it's not a lie so much as a half-truth. you see, i am 'excited' but not for the reasons you might be expecting and my inhibitions somehow outweigh those very reasons.

see, im excited to see that bustling cosmopolitan heaven new york city, to visit the famous times square, to see the flashy billboards, to stand outside the trl building, to stroll around central park, to lay some candles at strawberry fields, to shop like crazy at urban outfitters and h&m and macy's and saks fifth avenue, to go to a real american starbucks, to eat a sticky-gooey-yummy candy apple and a monster pizza slice.

and yes, i am excited about university.

i see my friends in nus, in u penn, in nottingham, and i hear the great stories and the wonderfully rich lessons and i am envious. i miss learning. i love learning. and i can't wait to delve into columbia's core curriculum where everything from philosophy to languages to science to history to psychology is taught.

and yet.

and yet, i can't bear to go. i can't bear to leave this life behind. because for the first time in a l o n g time, i am .. happy.

happy and content and blissful.

i love my situation in life, my circumstance. i love waking up and being in a place so familiar, so safe, so welcoming, i love the little things, like the ease and efficiency of the mrt, the wonders of orchard road and the brilliant shopping, the vastness of vivocity, the unending supply of delicious and cheap food, the comfort of knowing that i am home and secure and known. i have an identity, and though it is ultimately separate from my birthplace and my situation, it is still, at one level, inexplicably linked. and after being away for two years, in a place so foreign, fascinating and frightening, i know for a fact that this is home, and that this home and shaped my very being, my very spirit, my very mind.

more than the physical aspect though, here.. i am loved.
and loved by many.

i love my grandparents and their unquestioning, unconditional love for me. despite my frequent breakdowns due to their stifling dependency on me, i nonetheless love the feeling of being needed, of being accepted, of being wanted. and i will miss them tremendously.
and knowing that they'll miss me even MORE.. it's painful.

i love my dad, despite everything, and i will miss his understanding and his open nature.
i love my family. and i will just miss their presence. knowing that no matter what, i have somewhere -not just metaphysical or spiritual.. but- physical to go. open hearts and open arms.

and of course, i love my friends. my dear dear friends, who cannot be replaced.

i know i will meet others, other wonderful people, but my friends here, those are the gems of my heart. the ones who will stay with me, the ones who have known me and walked with me through my lowest and best of days.

i will miss ping, virtually a sister and a loving, loyal friend -i will miss just calling her and having her laugh at my lame jokes and spending time with her chatting about everything and nothing in particular. knowing she's near and rooting for me and believing in me has always bolstered my confidence and my sense of self-worth, my sense of peace within;
i will miss jess, who doesnt scoff at my perceived loneliness but instead, listens to me, confides in me, shops with me, plays poker with me, watches youtube with me etc. etc. i will miss her companionship and the comfort she gives my everyday.

i will miss raj, and his strange jokes and his strange ways, his honesty, his quiet -but unfailing- support, his uprightness and his muted -but everpresent- strength.
i will miss belle, and her brutal frankness, her ambition which inspires me, her drive which comforts me, and her support, which is always so true and so full of feeling (by the way, congrats on the win bella and dude, you reeeally should have won man).
and ill miss the many others who i enjoy spending time with -whether frivolous or serious. the crazyfun mambo nights, the muted starbucks gatherings, the poker or supper sessions, etc. etc. and ill miss those who i know are there, though not often or frequent, but there -to love and to talk with and to cheer on. friends are such a powerful weapon against self-destruction and isolation. and they offer such strength and happiness.

and im also scared of what moving to ny will do to shuch and me. i wont see him as often and we'll be so busy and that frightens me.

i know im so blessed to have him though-
it just occurred to me yesterday just how much he means to me.

i can't seem to function properly without him. when he's far away, i can't sleep, i don't feel myself, i feel frightened and isolated. and when he's near, i feel safe, and comforted and comfortable. i know now that he really does have a part of my heart, a big chunk of it. and that i adore every little bit of him. the warmth of his fuzzy cheeks, the strength of his hands, his ability to make me feel like a princess, a queen -so loved and so precious. the way he can confront me and comfort me in one breath. the way i fit like a puzzle piece in his arms.
i never would have imagined this.
but how lucky i truly am.

and im just afraid that when he's 45 minutes away everyday and despite being so near, he's too far.. i hope i dont miss him too much.

ah. i dont want to seem ungrateful but i am apprehensive.
i want to feel excited but it's hard with all these doubts.

romantic realignments and reckless remember-ings.

silence, save for the gentle hum of the airconditioning.
dark and rainy, with a dash of tummyaches.

after a long, intense night of dinner, yelling and chats with the grandparents, im home and surfing the web rather aimlessly.

i just stumbled upon juli's spanking new blog and i couldnt help but laugh out loud at one of her recent posts. hilariousness. i mean, who can forget those preciously hopeless IJ days.

so. i can't help it. i gotta do this quiz meself (copyright julesthequeendom):

*drumroll* ..presenting : those wonderful (and woeful) IJ dayzzzz.

1. Who did you hang out with?
gawd. in like sec 1, or at least in the beginning of sec 1, i had hardly any friends and i was miserable. i remember i even ate lunch BY MYSELF in the toilet (!) a couple of times (very Mean Girls, i know) because for some reason, most of my friends from primary school had seemed to move on. during that time though, i hung out with sharlene pereira some (she was a distant cousin anyways) and liz nath. but i don't even think i really got to know them til later!

anyways, later in the year and beyond, i was pretty much with the scavengers every chance i could get. there were 'guest' scavengers, of course, who would come and go -people like jasmine fernandez, s****a f**g, etc., but for the most part, it was the 10 of us. as weird a group as you could get. but we had f u n. in a very weird sorta way.

i think the real *sealing* of the scavenger thing was the halloweeeen 'angels and devils' (ahahaha) party at ping's plastic playground place. OH GAWD. that's when i think i really felt integrated into the group. and despite the lameness of it all (okay, FINE.. at the time, i DID think pink sports bras and board shorts and 'spiky' hair were cool(zzz)), i was, as ping might say, "hairpee". i had found a bunch of people as insane as myself.

actually. there was someone else who was equally insane: anne devon. i wonder what happened to her. she was M A D. i loved her. what a blast. she used to call me lumpy or cheesy or something. it was so funny. ANNE, if you can hear me, YOU WERE THE BESTEST PARTNER.

actually my orange partner shijue was quite an awesome partner too. she used to REMIND me to do my homework and clear my pigsty of a locker etc. etc.

2. What sports did you play?
ahahahahahaha. basketball. i don't even want to talk about it. we hardly ever won and i almost never played. and when i did, i sucked. (note: i actually ran my 2.4 in like 11minutes in sec 4. ahh. the 'good ol days')

3. What kind of car did you drive?
dude. i rode the SCHOOL BUS. with my buddies jo teo, pingers and chen min-yi. and then after school, pingers and i would take a bus or something back home.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?
i honestly can't say. but it would've been very likely that i was either a) at macdonalds' after "BBALL" practice, b) at my grandparents house watching the tube, c) at SHAMPU or HENDRIX or some other pathetically lame club with ping/daph/belle, d) hanging out with my MOM... etc.

5. Were you a party animal?
hahahahaha. no, but i sure THOUGHT i was. i mean, ill never forget that very FIRST time we went to a club. SHAMPU. me, daph and ping. the place was awful and oh-so-tiny. but we were so nervous and the whole 'getting in and dancing and drinking' thing was so appealing. i can't really remember the feeling now but i do know i was all excited and feeling all BADASS. hahahahaha.

speaking of BADASS. we ALSO thought wearing our belts at our knees and carrying our bags at our butts and wearing the PINK SKIRT/BELT in school and wearing HAIRBANDS around our necks and tying our hair in multicoloured hairties were BADASS.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
hurhur. well, i DID write apploooong a letter in sec 1 and i WAS pretty "flirty" (in a filthy, smelly sort of way) during the OBS CAMP in sec 3................... ew. i feel so ashamed.

ahahahahaha.

7. Were you in a band?
sadly, unlike jules the cool one, i had no such band to boast of. ALTHOUGH i DID play the drums for my church youth band.. is that counted?!

8. Were you a nerd?
to be frank, i think ive always secretly been a nerd.
i did pretty poorly in my sec 1 and sec 2 exams and since then, ive just been really quite competitive when it comes to work. s a d, i know.
i mean, i remember i used to secretly "compete" with ping, whose grades were always around the same as mine and how i was really disappointed when she came in first in class and i was third. and how i was so miffed when jess got higher points than me in lit! hahahaha. it sounds so stupid and frivolous now, but i guess that's where all my nerdjuice went -secret competitiveness with my smart buddies.
but in sooo many ways, its proven to be a real blessing, cos im still really competitive but healthily so, i think. and anyways im kinda proud to be a nerd now. hurhur.

9. Did you get suspended/ expelled?
no, but i DID get a .. sorta .. 'in-house suspension' thing where i sat in front of the office with NINA. she was really scary. she introduced me to eyebrow razors.
weird.

10. What were the hottest songs among your school mates?
oh my. well, yea we were commercial music-whores. so we liked shit like sum 41 (or at least mori did) and eminem and all other forms of hip-hop.. and of course, we liked the occasional poppy swoony number that would top the charts et cetera . i also harboured a secret love for groups like korn, limp bizkit, marilyn manson and metallica (i thought i was cool) but in my defence, i also listened to nirvana (that's when my fascination began and it's never let up) and DAMIEN RICE in my secondary school days, so that can't be too bad.

11. Who were your fav teachers?
hmm. i really liked ms shanti, my lit teacher, though everyone hated her for some weird reason. i liked jo teo a lot. she was firm but hilarious. she only taught me for a short period but there was just something about her. something very warm about her. mrs alex was awesome too. she was so much fun. and she always used to make fun of poor english-speakers. it was just too great. and mag low too. she was a bit eccentric at times with her perfectly coiffered bangs and her pristine white dresses with matching white stacked heels and her bright crimson lips. and her siiiinging and her perfect english. but again, she was really sweet and good at what she taught. she was often so stern but when she let her guard down and smiled a bit, she looked real purty.

12. Where did you sit during lunch?
anywhere really.

13. What was your school's full name?
Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus (Toa Payoh) Secondary.

14. School mascot?
...............mr peewee? hahahaha. i dont know how i just thought of that. WAS THAT HIS NAME BY THE WAY, MR PEEWEE? i doubt it.. right? oh and HE was a good teacher. funny.

15. Did you go to prom?
yea. i CANNOT believe i thought i looked NICE in that HIDEOUS outfit i wore.. sigh. sad state of affairs. although, going to nu asia bar with belle after the awful thing was really nice.

16. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
yea. i have to say.. sec 4 was really one of the best years ive ever had. i do miss it. life was superbly and immaculately simple.

17. What do you remember most about graduation?
...honestly? nothing. was there an actual graduation ceremony? i dont remember..!

18. What was your fav class?
ms shanti's lit class and mrs alex's english class. terrific.
oh and tan bee lay's physics lessons. gawd. how that woman ever became a teacher ill never know. it was funny just trying to write down all the grammatical/pronunciation etc. mistakes she made per class. RAREFACTION.. CLASS HOW TO PRONOUNCE THIS AH?

20. Which was the most memorable place in your school?
i dont know, maybe that primary school playground? it was rumoured to be haunted etc.. and when i was in primary school, i used to go there and pretend the sand was quicksand and that i was sinking... hurhur. and THAT'S the site of the infamous juli-jess-me talk where the "rock", "emotionless" jules .. crumbled. hurhurhurhur.

21. Where did you go most for lunch?
canteen. back in the days when i ate meat, i lurrrrved the first stall's (indian stall i think) mutton thingy with rice. y u m.

22. Have you gained weight since then?
difficult question to answer.
if you're talking about sec 1, when i looked like a BABY WHALE with a DOUBLE CHIN because i used to eat like 4 potatoes (fried as chips and doused in butter and served with a smothering of cheese) for BREAKFAST every morning... then yes, i have.
but if you're talking about the sec 3-early sec 4 days when i was going through my emotional binge/purge eating episodes and my i-will-only-eat-one-slice-of-watermelon-and-raw-nuts diet, then erm sadly no, i am much fatter. : )

23. What did you do after graduation?
lazed around, i reckon. i dont remember.

24. Who was your form teacher?
errrr. ms LER? that very small, very white chinese teacher.. and mr ng. mr hamburglar. i am going to refrain from making fun of him here cos honestly, he's really nice. he's just kinda .. oily?

25. So, i didn't like the last question, so i've replaced it with my own... Last thoughts?
just a few remember-ings: the very strange halloween parties at both ping's place and mine (hmm, questionable we were) -i remember juli and mabel coming and they were in tennis attire, and they claimed they were "zombie tennis players".. before whipping out their osama and ____ masks (i don't remember who the other dude was);
bursting into giggles everytime we walk past tan bee lay cos someone will start singing 'murder on the dance floor';
having to remove the damn eyelashes from the damn sheep's eye i was dissecting;
ping and i deciding when and how to leave the "STAR" (hahahahahahahahahahahah).. i will say nothing more;
musings on where and how mr tan's penis could exist in those amazingly tight pants;
the endless letters and postcards etc. that we'd toil over to say the DUMBEST things;
ping and my first and last "fight", duked out on the steps;
WENDYYYYYY!!!!! (and her love for ping);
guessing whether or not mag low would wear the white dress on wednesday or thursday;
ogling at "HOT" butches;

(continued)

mr raymond "yo-yo-yo"- oh how he hated us. and oh how mag low hated him;
yes, juli's horrible "fall" down the stairs while we haphazardly whizzed down the steps trying to make it on time for assembly AND THEN butchy favorite jaq yip's expression when told that jules couldnt play the upcoming tennis match (oh the horror);
my talks with ping about the growth of the "seed" (hardeehar, i was quite the 'mature' one);
that awful "amazing race"-esque game we played and then jules and min (?) and i witnessing the gross sight of an old man jacking off in the middle of boat quay in the middle of the afternoon (REMEMBER, REMEMBER!);
hearing about the paedophile-like love for LINCOLN (? may be completely wrong here) that tennis kid by mabes and pingers.. and mabel's love for the MGS coach...;
whats-her-face eugenia lee-tan (was that her name.. anyways that awfully-coiffered social studies teacher) who made me cry after calling me immature and etc.;
NEOPRINTS (the days before the photo whoredom of digital cameras);
ashton drawing worms on my desk (cos i was "wormie" for some reason) and me drawing squids on hers (cos she was.. well, "squid");
MY HORRIBLE YOUTH DAY OUTFIT IN SEC 1.. say it together now.. OH MY GAWD.;
teo peng suan slapping my ass and telling me to walk faster around the track during those "morning walks";
trying to "hide" my minute skirt (i can't believe my uniforms were so short.. shameless);
acting "cool" in front of the juniors;
my fascination with van chung's nose piercing;
my horrible 400m sports day race (i was a miserable last, while the trackers like amanda choo etc. whizzed quickly ahead);
van q**y's declaration that she couldnt wear spagetti straps cos she was too "pretty";
van l*m bawling before and after exam papers were released (even tho she always got all As or something stupid);
bio lab and its horrible jars of horrible things (and the many myths surrounding "the foetus");
and many other things that im sure will hit me at a later date : /

:) i heart chij.

4.16.07

new york, i love you but you're bringing me down (lcd soundsystem).
gloom & doom skies with a sprinkle of heart-heavy edginess.

as i sit here in my cushy office chair, tucked neatly into my little lilac and baby pink-walled cubby hole, i can't help but marvel at the sheer selfish simplicity of the human mind.

i mean, after all, i'm stressed out about such silly silly mundane things. like a lack of a plan for my saturday afternoon and the chilli stain i acquired on my brand new white top. i stress about these things and they consume me. they make me feel like screaming 'i hate myself, my life, this day'. when in fact that's only a knee-jerk reaction to my self-absorbed indulgence.

because if i really stopped to think about it, there are far worse things that could happen.

for example, i could be dead. and my angry screams and furious rants could be blaring from news channels, heard by millions. and my twisted face, contorted with rage, could be plastered on newspapers across the country, to be seen -and loathed and feared- by billions.

i could be a murderer. a murderer who would feel such immense self-loathing, such tremendous hatred for the world, such horrifying loneliness due to self-induced isolation, that only the worst gun rampage in US history could match the pain. i could be a psychopath with a gun, who was genuinely ill but who was ignored, who was left to rot in a pool of shame and desperation. so much so that only a massacre would suffice, only a mindless killing could abate the screams within.

or.
i could be one of the 32 innocents dead. completely unaware that going to school on a snow-flecked april morning would be fatal. completely unaware that the years of living -be it as a triple-major student or as a renowned professor- would become infamous ...immortalised... in the moment of sudden death.

or i could be one of the mourners. a lover, a friend, a mother, a father, a child. i could be grieving the loss of part of my heart. my baby, my supporter, my life, my hope. gone in a moment. a shower-of-bullets-fury-and-hatred-and-fear moment. a moment that will change the lives and hearts of too many.

i don't know how i feel about the virginia tech massacre. i don't even know if i have the right to feel anything. how can i feel pity for the murderer, how can i feel anger toward him? how can i truly mourn the loss of those precious lives? how can i make an honest judgement?

all i know is .. i have plenty to be grateful for. and i also know that such a tragedy as this one calls for love, for compassion, for hope -and not for judgement.

i was terribly disturbed when i saw the videos and photos of cho seung hui. what an angry, confused and isolated young man.

i wonder what his parents think. i wonder how they feel.

he was invisible in life but became infamous -and will become feared and hated- in death. what a horrifying thought. what a horrifying cry for attention, for help. what an unfathomably horrific reason for innocent lives to be lost.

remember the dead and pray for their souls and their families (in their honour: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/virginiatech.shootings/victims/index.html)

just as columbine will be remembered -for the lost, for the suffering, for the lessons learned. remember virginia tech. 4/16/07.