forbidden snowflake.

proper education- pink floyd a la traance.
[temperamental weather with a toothache and monday blues]

i was reading ping's blog and in one post, i was named as a 'blogspotter'. it stumped me for a while, until it finally dawned on me that.. well, i have a blog! hur. as ping and belle rightly prophesied, i am not a loyal blogger and as it's evident, it's been a while.

well i can't say that life has been uneventful but there's little to say. the day of hallmark love and the days of lo-hei, family visits and packets of money have passed, lots of movies have been watched, a leg muscle has been pulled and a wisdom tooth is emerging (which i think explains the toothache/gumache i have at the moment) . i've had really nice days catching up with ping and raj and jess and belle, and really warm fuzzy days of lounging with shuch, and really comfortable days of hanging around with my family members.

work has been good- i just got my set of namecards today and it's occurred to me what a big task i have at hand. building a magazine from scratch (and all the work, organisation and effort that underlies it), on top of the freelance stuff ive been doing for sph, has been a tougher journey than i had anticipated. but it's been exciting. everyday, new challenges are tossed my way . and it's been a real learning curve of growth and plenty of mistakes.

i've watched some really stellar movies- like babel, and apocalypto, and what's eating gilbert grape, and pan's labyrinth.. and some entertaining movies- like death rider, and rocky balboa, and a scanner darkly. i've been enjoying some really great bodycombat classes -with the trance-y music and the oomphs and ughs and sweaty arms and forehead. i really feel more confident, more empowered, stronger.

in the midst of all the good, there's been some bad. not bad necessarily, but lots of emo feelings and miserable thoughts. i've been plagued by long dreams of twisting plots and strange people and ideas. and i've been troubled with thoughts of leaving behind my family, of regret, of loss and of a lack of purpose. sometimes i think my thoughts and musings are unfounded, but then again there are many times when i can't shake the feeling that something is amiss.

ive always told myself that i will live without regret. and i have, for the most part.

but i feel that i now have a regret that i can't shake, that i can't ignore. and it's a regret that i can't reconcile, that i can't face without crumbling into a heap of tears. it's my grandpa. my wonderful grandpa. who i know ive been speaking of a lot but i can't help it- there just hasn't been any closure. i miss him. especially during the holidays. and there are just so many things i wish i had said to him, so many things i wish i had showed him, so many things i wish he could have witnessed. and it's the regret that i didn't do enough, say enough, give enough, that drives me mad.

im grateful, so grateful, for shuch though- my heart and my strength. he keeps me solid and unwavering, due to his solidity and composure. and i know ill be just fine. just fine.

anyways the office is freezing and im bloody bored and i can't wait to just get out and do something else.

something else.

musings and busy-ness.

well this week has been l o n g.
with my new exercise get-fit regime, korean class and plentiful workload, ive been stretched in directions that i didn't know exist. this week, shuch's grandaunt passed away so we've been spending a lot of time at the wake and on top of that, shuchie injured his collarbone while playing rugby so we've even made trips to the hospital.
quite an eventful week if anything.
and. ive lost 3lbs.
quite a feat!

despite the packed schedule, however, ive been enjoying myself quite immensely. ive settled into a comfortable -albeit ever-changing- 'routine', exercise in the mornings, work in the afternoons, shuch in the evenings, korean class on thursdays and jess on wednesdays. and other things in between. i like work. amazing, yes i know. but i feel fulfilled, it's really one of the biggest accomplishments of my life i think- bringing an entire magazine together. it is extremely gratifying.

going off tangent a bit, i miss grandpa a lot. being at a wake almost everyday this week has triggered a memory that lays dormant in my heart. i miss him, still can't believe his gone. i can still remember the feel of his thick, rough fingers, his toothy, cheeky grin, his round, tough belly and his delicious, fat pancakes. he's with me everyday, everywhere i go. but he's so far away, i miss his eyes, his shouts, his hugs.

ul ji ma-ra ul geen weh oo rar. (don't cry, why are you crying?) -one of grandpa's favorite karaoke hits.